I’m Oldon… and my life has just started.
A bit of history. I was born 25 years ago. I think I was a happy child. I have mostly positive memories; of festivals, playing with my brother and friends, camping and silly moments. My parents are both wat you call hippies so I was brought up in a more alternative style. I know I wasn't always happy, my parents divorced when I was 5, around that time my brother and I changed schools in which I had a heard time adjusting, and I could have these outburst of tears for no apparent reason. But I sea my youth as mostly happy.
Things changed when I was 11 years old. Having almost all older friends who already graduated I was left alone as the outsider of the class. I dressed weird, couldn’t get the already pubering attitude of my pears, and really didn't get all the trends they followed. Oh yeah and to top it all of I was also the nerd of the class. I finished all my books of 6st grade in 5th grade. To big dismay of the 6th year students who where struggling true there curriculum.
This trend of not fitting in kept hunting me (despite me pretending and losing the sense of who I really was) till the age of 15. That's when I finally met my people. I changed schools again to pursue my passion for circus. Circus peeps are amazing. I was finally accepted and could be my own hippie self. But the bullying had left its marks. I had become the silent insecure friends. I still loved learning but I had a hard time doing so. On top of that I was struggling with a mysterious ankle injury that hindered me with the sport subjects of the new school. But despite all that I had a great time. But the problems had only started.
I started to be absurdly fatigued. But like really tired. I was in bed by 19 O’clock most of the time. I remember sleeping between every circus performance just to make it. Being so insecure I had trouble being creative in the circus lessen to big dismay of my teacher. And of course my ankle injury got worse and worse. Because things never happen alone. Due to the mysterious side of the injury and doctors not finding out what was the cause of the inflammation and stress fractures and so on, my teachers didn't believe anything was wrong. This going on for almost a year I finally reached a breaking poind when a bad relationship ended. I wasn’t able to finish my year but with a big effort of my mom I was able to pass and graduate.
I did go on to study, but my depression continued. I don’t remember a lot about my studies, it’s like a big black hole. I tried to go on dorms but with my anxiety peaking I most of the time couldn’t go to the store by myself. I was missing lessons, sick a lot of the time and plagued by anxiety attacks. After a year and a half I decided to study only half time and I think corona saved my studies. Being at home with not a lot of social contact and not having to sit in the classes that my anxiety made in to a hell I blossomed. I was active and happy and really enjoyed studying and getting back into circus. And I graduated.
And then the world started to turn again. And the same story continued. I started working part time, was sick a lot and had to quit. I started teaching circus part time and everything was again just to much and I went back in to a downwards spiral. This is also the time a part of our houwe collapsed and I started living in a caravan (the later part was absolutly a positive thing and a step to my dream tiny house). With the support of friends I was eventually admitted into a psychiatric ward. With the intention to finally get things back on track and figure out what was wrong. There I started slowly to learn to live again. I fell back in love with drawing, wrote Het Gender Doeboek. Started my small business and made some great friends. I’m very grateful for all the staff and help I got.
After 8 months of living there I finally got the diagnosis of autism. At first I couldn’t believe it. I had a really old view of autism and taught because I was way to empathetic this couldn't be true. After a lot of research and talks with friends I started to get it. And slowly everything started to make sense to me. The crying as a child, the extreme exhaustion, the anxiety, the not fitting in, the inability to talk sometimes, the panic attacks that were probably part of the time meltdowns, and so much more. My life suddenly made sense.
Now two years later I’m still learning tricks to deal with my autism. I am acknowledged as handicap, which gives me a lot more time to rest. I have a great therapy dog that supports me everywhere I go. I get the support and rest I need and finally have the feeling my life has started, my life as it should be.
So welcome to the beginning of my life. I hope to take you with me as the next part starts. Hopefully with a lot of art, writing, adventuring and a journey into ecological living.